First Words

First words into the "blogosphere"... A sombre day for starting. Been restless all day, I've gone from moody to joyful and back to the dark side. Night and silence bring some comfort, but how much it may be, it's clearly not enough. I seek refuge within myself and seem to find no comfortable spot. And tomorrow may be completely different. Why? I don't know. I'll go bouncing back to joy like a toy in a child's hands. Is it me? Is it the world? Both? I don't know, honestly, don't know...
The worst part is not realizing how much 'collateral damage' you do, especially to those who love you, until it's too late. And when tears slide down all too familiar cheeks, unexpectedly, you repent... Or at least you try to repent, until you realize you don't know what to repent of... That is the hardest part. A black circle.

Unexpected comfort: have been reading "The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over The Hills", superb, surprising, defying poetry by Charles Bukowski. Stumbled upon this gem among its pages last night:

these things

these things that we support most well
have nothing to do with up,
and we do with them
out of boredom or fear or money
or cracked intelligence;
our circle and our candle of light
being small,
so small we cannot bear it,
we heave out with Idea
and lose the Center:
all wax without the wick,
and we see names that once meant
wisdom,
like signs into ghost towns,
and only the graves are real.

- Charles Bukowski

Into starlight.